i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
