Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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