I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
