Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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