Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
