yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My liver just broke up with me...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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