Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
