god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
