I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
