Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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