We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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