Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
