Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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