he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
