i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
