Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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