the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
are you so shy because you have an std?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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