I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
