stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
