I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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