why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Houston, we have a blender
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
