Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
