nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
