i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
A+ Viking dick
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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