I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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