Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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