there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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