I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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