No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
