So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize