I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
