I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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