I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
