After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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