i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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