Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
only you would photoshop your dick
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
