Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
