I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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