My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Couch. On fire.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
