Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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