just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
God I need to hump something, right now.
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