My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
