Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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