I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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