Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
