I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
