Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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