she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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