if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Your cock deserves a montage
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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