Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
