i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
