Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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