WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
