If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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