i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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